Multitasking deadlines and parenting

I’ve lost count of the number of times someone said to me “I just don’t know how you manage to do a PhD and raise a child” during my studies.  And it made me realise that, perhaps from the outside looking in to my life, it did look challenging.

I wanted to write this post for anyone who might be thinking of studying, whatever the course. To discuss the multitasking of child rearing and meeting deadlines. The majority of challenges of any course [be it undergraduate, accountancy, PhD etc.] are the same for most parents. If it’s not about the money side of doing the course, it will be about whether or not you can fit it all in and meet the course deadlines.

The unsurprising underlying truth of this multitasking challenge is that it is difficult. It is difficult logistically, it is difficult financially, and it is difficult psychologically – particularly if your studying is seen as a “hobby” (as mine was by my family) and if you don’t get a weekly/monthly pay slip for doing it (well, in my case a received a quarterly stipend payment which I had to stretch over 3 months – that was a new money management challenge for me). You do have to motivate yourself when you feel there is nothing left in the cup to draw from (at times). You do have to try and find time to do small parts of the work on barely any sleep. However, with planning and preparation (was it the 5 P’s we were taught at school: Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance?) these difficulties can be lessened and managed so that you can feel like you are winning at life. Equally, the acknowledgement that it is a difficult task can be quite cathartic throughout the course journey so it is helpful to remind yourself that what you are doing is hard and you are allowed to have a break.

In order to provide some sort of guidance or advice in ways to manage these demands on your time, I turned to a group of experts – that is, fellow parents who are also studying to find out how they make sure they reach deadlines. These lovely parents are all members of a group myself and another mum (Rebekah) set up to provide a platform for parents who were studying to support each other. The group is called “Parents who study” – bit of a ronseal name for it really - exactly what it says on the can.

I asked them for any tips they would give fellow parents to meet deadlines.

PLAN

The first theme that jumped out at me was that of planning. Really plan as far ahead as you can. Before the course starts, begin reading around the area. Once an assignment is given, start it straight away and schedule times. The golden rule of deadlines seems to be that in the last week (which is obviously the week you leave the assignment to usually) is when a child will be ill and need you. Try to bring the deadline forward a week or two so you have the luxury of time if this does happen.

Start reading/planning/writing as soon as possible! Even if it’s just to get an initial idea or expectation but don’t put that off as it’s easy to get “the fear” as time goes on!  Also, if it’s possible, wake up earlier than the children and use that golden hour for reading and note making. An hour each day goes far and your brain is at its freshest. Kate, @hervillagebristol

It’s literally never too early to begin research. I’m a few months from finishing undergrad, Honours doesn’t even start until after Christmas, and I’m already “pre-researching” thesis ideas. Whatever the due date, subtract a week. Mark that date in your diary and be finished drafts by then. Leave the last week (or less) for proofreading, edits, rewrites. I probably lose 80% of the marks I do lose in the last 10% of the allocated time due to rushing, when a good sleep and fresh eyes (and time to fix) would have otherwise caught most of them. Try to carve out set study days and treat them as immovable objects. Not always easy with kids but if your partner/schedule allows, try to get away from the domestic sphere (campus, library, cafe). I always concentrate better when I can mentally AND physically switch from Laundress to Academic.  Karen, @karensmartie

I have to say my top tip is start it the day the assignment is set and keep slogging through until it’s done. Kelly.

Write every single day, even if it’s just noting down thoughts in the margins of a reading. Read every single day. Even a few paragraphs can get the writing going. And always assume that the week before something is due, one of your kids is going to need you all through the night for at least a few nights. So plan accordingly. Annie.

BE FLEXIBLE

The second theme that I noticed was that parents in the group were aware of the times of day that worked best for them and their children. This individual learning and the ability to do it in a flexible manner (i.e. it does not have to be within the 9-5 routine or for a solid block of time, but at a self-determined time) seemed to be key for success. Some people work in bursts of energy, some people have their best thoughts through the night, and some people need the children out of the house. Some people like to goal set.

Night notes.... they are invaluable! I woke up with some of my best ideas in the night so I kept pen n paper by the bed (no phone/iPad etc as it stimulates my brain) back to sleep then develop the notes I’d written the next day. Sally

The only way for me to have any headspace is to have the kids out of the house. Sharon.

Early mornings before the kids get up and lots of caffeine! Colette.

Just pray they sleep 😂😂 Jessica.

I know there's a whole debate on office hours vs whenever you feel inspired. I struggle with both sometimes, but I find it easier to focus 2-3 hours to do just work, especially because I work from home and my husband looks after my son when I work, so I tend to get distracted. I'd say get out the house or don't hesitate to work through the night if you need/feel inspired and ask your partner to be on night/morning duty. Get a plan. It'll change, but I find a good mind map with the main elements/chapters of your thesis makes a real difference. But essentially. I didn't find it possible to change the way I work, which is very versatile, but I've learnt to be more efficient within the time frames I have, and that just happens without trying with children. I think the most important thing is support network/childcare and letting go of parental guilt. Chloé.

Working on my dissertation with kids is like preparing for the houseguest I forgot were staying for a week; I need to plan what we're going to do tomorrow, even if "doing" is just walking in circles thinking about my guest. (On another note, I don't need time to write, but time to make sense, to think). In order to be present when walking the kids and looking after the dog, I have to know when i'll be working next, and what i'll be doing. This allows me to get right to work for as long as I might have. I'm presently at home with both because of a pupil free day, and the one task I set for myself today (the daylight hours, that is) involved thinking through a difficult concept. They slept, I thought and managed to sneak in 3 pages of writing before the insurgents woke up. Chido.

This is my fourth year of meeting deadlines around kids and I must say it’s got harder as they’ve got older in some ways - although they’ve got easier in terms of not having to supervise them every second, they go to bed later than they used to so my evening time to do work has been massively compromised. I definitely have to pull the odd all or late nighter in the run up to a deadline. I also ‘book’ out a chunk of time- a bit like a holiday - in advance of a deadline and my partner and kids give me that space to just get on with it. I’m very lucky my partner is so supportive as it puts a lot of pressure on him to take up the slack - but he takes them away camping, or off to a different part of the country to see friends or family etc. Michelle, @mrs.mikky.tee

It may depend on their child(ren) age, my daughter was 4 months old when I started my undergrad degree and what I’ve realised over this year for myself is I need set hours away from my family to be able to focus. It may be help from family or friends or a child minder, so now my MIL is going to take her for 4 hours on a Tuesday & few hours on a Saturday so I know I have that time to study/ write, but that might not work for everyone. I think my tip would be to sit down and figure out what works best for you as one way doesn’t fit all and to get the people around you on board to help. Kimberley, @kimberleyjane7

I wish I could study before they got up but I am not getting up at 4am! I have lots and lots of lists breaking down the deadlines into more manageable chunks so I can achieve little bits in snippets of time. That way I feel like I’ve achieved something. I am not always good at following this advice, but when I do it’s definitely easier, but to write or do something towards it every day. I’ve also (its a bit cheesy though!!) stuck a post it note on the side of my computer reminding myself of what I’m working for, just as a bit of focus. Lastly I also just factor in a couple of seriously late nights a week before the deadline. It’s not ideal, but I know it’s coming so I may as well bank on them and make sure I have easier kid days after a couple of late nights (ie no soft play hell!). Anna, @agentbrowniac

The final strand of the conversation (bear in mind I only asked them for tips 4 hours ago) was to keep in contact with the course tutor/supervisor. As Stephen Hawking said “Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking”.

Talk openly and often to your supervisors. They can’t help you if they don’t know what’s happening. Don’t try to be a supermum. Being a mum is a job and a PhD is a job, and you shouldn’t try to do both at once if you can help it. If you’ve got work to do, ask someone to look after your kids and get out of the house. Katherine.

JERRYS FINAL THOUGHT

I hope these words from fellow studying parents help to show the vast and varied ways of dealing with deadlines in parenthood. Like everything, there is more than one way to meet the deadline and it is important to find a way that will allow you to feel empowered and capable of both the course requirements and parenting requirements.

Good luck

Mum, PhD.

And a final thank you to the lovely parents in the group who contributed to this post.